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In Memoriam....

Friday night before 5:00 PM, the Bozeman police department received a 911 hang-up from a home that belonged to two Fish, Wildlife, and Parks Wardens.

What they found was horrible. Three people dead in their dining room, one a 6 month old boy. A volunteer firefighter and EMT tried to resuscitate the child before they realized that he, too, had been shot.

She had taken her FWP issued firearm, shot her husband in the back of the head before shooting her child in the chest, before calling 911 and then proceeded to shoot herself.

I don't normally feel that I can write or post on stuff like this, it's a horrible tragedy any way you look at it. After reading dozens of trolling and insensitive comments on the Bozeman Chronicle article, I had to speak out.

This isn't about gun control, or the lack of reasonable gun laws in this country. As a FWP officer in Montana, you need a firearm. The state is mostly back country and you are not the top of the food chain there. That is not the point of this post.

This time it's different, this time it hits a bit closer to home. It's been running around in my head since I found out yesterday, eating at my brain and driving me somewhat mad as I think about all of things that could have happened. Envisioning the scenario that brought this nightmare to life. I, after all, could have been that person 14 years ago after the birth of my oldest son. I could have been that person had I not flushed the Zoloft prescribed to me by my doctor. And maybe that's what it comes down to: this could have been me, and it terrifies me.

I went to school with Jen. Can't say we were close, more like passing acquaintances, and I honestly hadn't thought about her in years. When I saw her picture in the newspaper article, it clicked, I realized I knew her. She was no longer just some name in a paper that I will never meet. She was a classmate, a fellow Bison, someone who had walked down the same hallways as me and the rest of our class for seven years. She was popular and well-liked, friends have described her as "bubbly" and "optimistic" over the past couple of days. Looking back so many years later, I can probably admit to myself that I was possibly a little jealous of her.

They are treating it as postpartum psychosis. All of my friends who knew her are saying that she's been a completely different person since the birth of her son six months ago. I believe them, as postpartum isn't treated as the sickness that it is by most doctors here. It just isn't addressed as a valid concern. Women are told "it's all in their heads" or to "suck it up", doped up on anti-depressants that make you an emotional zombie and possibly make the symptoms worse.


There are some horrible comments at the end of the news article by people who never knew her and are judging her on one action, without understanding the whole story. I doubt any of us will ever know the full story. Another classmate, Eric Dunn, points this out with his two-cents, and I think a large majority of us agree with him.

I actually very rarely read the comments section of anything posted on the internet, as I find I can't actually handle the anger I feel towards the trolls and assholes who think the rest of the world needs to share their opinion on everything.

But what can you do when you have an overwhelming need to shout: "It wasn't her fault!" and to tell people she wasn't the evil villain they are trying to portray her as. There is a serious lack of discussion about mental health in this country. There is a serious lack of concern with the mental health of women who have postpartum depression; there are no studies to see how normal anti-depressants react to the chemicals related to pregnancy and child birth. There really is no support group or anything in this country because motherhood is supposed to make us feel great and complete as humans. If you aren't happy to be pregnant or happy to be a mother then you aren't "normal", you are some sort of strange person and are ostracized for speaking out about how unhappy you are.

There is no dialogue. A mother of a only child has lost her daughter and only grandchild because there is no help for so many of us just like Jen. Because there is so much fear of being stigmatized for reaching out. Especially in this state, where we pride ourselves so much on being strong and self-reliant.

So that's why I'm writing this: if someone you know may be feeling the symptoms of postpartum depression: reach out to them. Let them know that it's alright to feel that way, that it's normal and that there is nothing wrong with them and they can get help through proper professionals who understand that postpartum depression isn't normal depression. Help them, offer to give them a couple of hours to themselves; take care of the baby while they take a nap; do a load of laundry; or even make them a dinner. Be there, talk to them, listen to them. Don't make light of their fears and anxieties. Be supportive. If they don't want to let you in, don't accept no for an answer. Be gentle.

If you are feeling the symptoms of postpartum depression, contact your OB-GYN and have them refer you to a professional who specializes in postpartum depression, if you are prescribed anti-depressants tell the doctor who prescribed it immediately if you feel like you have no emotions, or have vivid visions of causing harm to yourself or someone else. REACH OUT. You aren't the only one and you don't have to do this alone. Your family and friends love you and want to help you, even if you don't want them to.

Bring it up; make it an acceptable dialogue to have. Let Jen's struggle have some meaning, to counteract all of the negativity.

I know all that I wanted fourteen years ago was someone to tell me that it was okay not to be happy and an annoyingly enthusiastic mother. Somedays I still want someone to tell me that. It's a daily struggle.

So if you're reading this: It's okay not to be a the perfect happy Mom. It's okay to feel worn out, exhausted, and like you don't know what you're doing. It's okay to resent all of it and all of those preppy, peppy moms that post those annoying stories all over the internet. Or your friends that post happy smiley pictures of their babies and you don't feel the same way.

Take a deep breath and make that phone call.

warning: much crack

best friend introduced me to this addiction yesterday...

have fun! ^^

updated bookmarks journal

three times in one week! wOOt!

...of course, I should have been working on homework during the time I spent working on those entries...

follow the yellow brick road...follow follow folloooooow theyellowbrickroad!

why yes, i have consumed a large quanity of coffee today. how did you know?


Have updated the bookmark journal: Sanity's Escape

New Journal

I've created a separate journal solely for my bookmarks as well as a list of recommendations. You can find it here: Sanity's Escape

the title isn't very creative, and i haven't gone through my whole list yet, but it's a start! ^^

I'm trying to set it up ala leilani and the now defunct Guilty Pleasures except that along with the good!fics i am also including bad!fic and bad!smut.

Walk this Path Alone With Me



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